SHADOWHUNTERS TV Series, S3 E9; Familia Ante Omnia / Review #shadowhunters

YIKES. #Shadowhunters pic.twitter.com/u9Qu5iLGc6

— Shadowhunters (@ShadowhuntersTV) May 16, 2018

As Taylor Swift sings on "Big Reputation": "They're burning all the witches even if you aren't one, so light me up..." Sorry you guys, I'm writing this as I watch the 2-hour Spring finale and you know that I'm going into this full o' snark because the sheer length of it. Go ahead and light me up. Oy.

image found here. 

Jordan has researched the Mark of Cain, and Simon, finally, knows what's been protecting him. Meanwhile, Magnus is up researching Lillith's dark magic possession power, and we come across this awkward exchange:

from Shadowhunters' twitter. 

And yes, it's time for me to ask the Freeform execs -- why?  Why do they include these truly awful, supposedly-comic exchanges when every single one of them falls flat? Aside, it's nice to know that Magnus, who has every potion under the stars available to him, turns to caffeine much like almost every Mundie Mama trying to do all the things at the end of the school year.  Eyeroll, people, eyeroll.  We are told that Lillith has Jace locked in a "mental cage". Much like all of us viewing this drivel. Mental cage, locked, all right.

Mama Lillith brings back Maureen/Heidi from the Praetor Lupus in an attempt to capture Simon. And in the WTH moment of the episode, Clary, now a full-fledged necromancer, volunteers to bring back Valentine in an attempt to spare her life. FrankenVal roars to life.  As usual, FrankenVal bargains to speak only to Clary. Clary gets FrankenDaddy to confess that he did summon Lillith because her blood, as the Mama of all Demons, is potent, and that he injected it into Jonathan when he was in utero. Dun dun dun dun.

Crazy Heidi duct tapes and ties up Simon's mom and sister, and we have our weird moment of epi, where Simon's mom, in a lawyer-ly way, bargains with crazycakes. Simon, of course, goes crazy when Heidi slits open his sister's throat. And we have the paper cut moment of the show. We do all remember that from Twilight, don't we?

gif found here. 

As Valentine comes unshackled and grabs Jia Penhallow, he utters this memorable line to Clary, "You would rather burn to death than escape with your Father?" A question every Shadowhunter, apparently needs to answer. Therapy moments, MMs, for sure. FrankenPops is killed with a direct arrow to the throat by a Shadowhunter. But, eeeeewww moment coming up, he can't be killed and he extracts the arrow and fights his way out.

In the That's Hot Moment (pardon all the burning metaphors--LOL!) of the night, Magnus and Lorenzo duel it out, warlock style. And it's ominous and hot all at once.

No arguments here, Lorenzo's ego is superior. 😏
Stream #ShadowhuntersSeason3 now on https://t.co/0T635reFgj, On Demand, and @Hulu. pic.twitter.com/NU6FnSTKUI

— Shadowhunters (@ShadowhuntersTV) May 17, 2018

In the last minutes of the show, we find out that Valentine is on the loose. His Circle members are free. In a last ditch attempt to help Jace, Magnus is going to attempt to contact his Father. Simon didn't kill his sister thanks to Izzy interrupting his feeding frenzy. Clary draws a rune and is about to escape with BigBadFrankenDaddy. Except, she fools him with by activating a rune on him, which kills him. We find out that the executioner who first stabbed Valentine is none other than dun dun dun dune, JACE.  He utters, "My Queen needs Valentine's flesh and your heart. "

And I'm ready to move on to the final episode, "We're coming after you, this is the huuuuuuuuuuuuunt." May the Angel help me.


FINAL COUNTS
Total Eyerolls: A good dozen
Ewww Moments: 2
Hot Moments: 1
Dun Dun Dun Dun Moments; 2
Stealing Another Shows Feels: 1