Mundie Moms

Monday, March 25, 2019

SHADOWHUNTERS TV Series, S3B, E13; BEATI BELLICOSI / Review #shadowhunters

We start off with the Praeter Lupus investigating Maureen's victims. Nick, Jordan's buddy, gets stabbed by Maureen while he's in Twi-wolf form. Aside: I'm so glad they get to use that GIANT wolf imagery again. It's just plain comforting to know that werewolves are always giant and have kind eyes. Beati Bellacosi. Blessed are the warriors. One dead wolf boy. So starts our "this is the huuuuuuuuunt" thirteenth epi.

Simon hands Izzy a cup of tea and this brilliant dialogue commences:

Simon: How are you?
Izzy: Drained
Simon: Izzy, I'm so sorry about that.
Izzy: It was a joke.
Simon: You could've died.

Ah, this is exactly why I've lost all hope for the show. Remember, MMs, it was in the last episode when Simon literally drained Izzy's blood. So, yeah. Good writing, mes anges. Both of their phones chirp at the same time. And we have our Simon-Clary choreographed-for-no-reason slide moment:

The others update Sizzy on the sitch. The tie-in Jonathan-Clary rune, the brotherhood of the traveling pants, I mean, apartment. All of it. And I wonder -- how many people need to be tied to Sebbie? Is this an overused plot device? Nod your heads with me.  Jace thinks he's seen this rune before. Dun-dun-dun-dun.

Isabelle discovers that Magnus can't help her with the side effects from allowing Simon to feed off of her.

Our resident crazy, Maureen, begs the NYC vamps to let her into their clan. They refuse. Maia returns to the pack, but they don't want her either. Maryse and Luke shop for real estate, I mean, flirt with each other in an antique store. Maryse can translate some super-special code that can open a very important safe inside the shop. Luke's hoping that the sword Jonathan's looking for is inside.

Jordan informs Simon of the death of his buddy's and warns him about Maureen. He, also, hopes he'll join the Praeter, but Simon is no longer marked with Cain's mark. Jordan concludes he no longer needs the Praeter's help.

Clary is desperate to find where Jonathan's located, but Jace wants her to stop "just for minute". Jace realizes he may be looking in the wrong place for Seb-babe.

Izzy remembers about the Seelies tortured by the Gard. How quickly she forgot. She and Alec hatch a plan to find out what's going on. But our fave brother-sister duo, have a pause where Izzy realizes that Alec knows about the Simon-feeding-on-her bit, and he tries in vein (I couldn't resist the pun) to placate her cravings with some mundane addiction group talk.

Back to our code-cracking duo, Luke confesses to Maryse that he's suspended from work and that he's also left the pack. Do we care about the adult relationships? No, no we don't. Maia interrupts this moment to let Luke know that the pack is falling apart while he's on a date. I don't care about pack politics. But, the pep talk Maia gets from Luke is "alpha material" and bad dialogue all at once.

We get a quick primer on Paradise Lost as Jace explains how Valentine was obsessed with the war between Lucifer and his brother, Archangel Michael. Waaaaaait, does this mirror someone else's obsession with his brother? No, not SewerVamp Cain's but, could it be? Sebbie's??? And if you look closely at the illustration (incidentally done by a Silent Brother, mercifully, not Jem), the two bubbies are tied vis a vis a rune just like Clary's and Seebie's. Such quick tying up of loose ends, Freeform. Bravo. Now all Clace needs to do is find a way to separate Jonathan and Clary.

Filing this in the I Have No Idea Why category: Jace attempts to remove the connecting rune with a zappy, electric stele thingey. It's a weird scene and showcases how difficult it is to act seriously when given moments like this. And no, MMs, this thingey didn't work.

Maia and Simon meet up, and she tells Simon how she has to step up into a pack leadership role. She breaks up with our boy, who takes it like a champ (duh). After all, he has Izzy now. And this scene feels so generic that it could be lifted from any old Freeform show.

Maryse opens the vault and Luke discovers a book inside. They kiss because code breaking, as we all know, is a sexy time moment.

Clary lights every single candle she can find in her room. It looks ablaze. Bath and Body Works must've had their $10 candle sale, and our girl had a coupon. But that's okay because, Jace is there and she wants him.

Clary: But right now, I want you. *lovey-dovey indie song plays*  I love you.
Jace: *serious looking sad Jace face*
Just like that one of our favorite quotes becomes Freeform Fodder. I should trademark that phrase. It would've come in handy if there was a fourth season. Mercifully, there isn't one.

Back at the Institute, Mama Maryse and her kiddos are discussing the Latin words for Heavenly Fire. Apparently this referred to an "off-the-books Clave" program that was above Maryse's clearance level. Eyeroll number I've-lost-counting. Maryse begs them to stay away from it.

We have what this epi was missing a Shirtless Moment courtesy, this time, of Jace and Clary. But, it's interrupted by Jonathan, who in a Dolores Umbridge tribute writes on Clary's skin -- "I miss you". Bubby's lonely and none of us care.

Maia and Jordan have their scene where he tells her he's leaving. The moment is interrupted when the NYC vamps attack our wolfish pack. Slo-mo fight scene commences. Jordan gets stabbed in an attempt to save Maia.  She takes him out into a storage area. She's scared and not the Maia we know from the books.  Our epi ends with her trapped and the vamps, literally, banging on the door. I'm kinda feeling trapped, too, Mundie Moms, not gonna lie.

Total Eyerolls: 50 million for the kissy scenes alone
Worst Dialogue Ever: 4
Gratuitous Shirtless Moment: 1
Overused Plot Device: 1
I Have No Idea Why: 1
Stealing Another Shows Feels: 2 (Twilight, once again, proves immortal as does Dolores Umbridge)
Multiple Uses of Rented Sewer Sets: 3 (between the Seelie fight scenes, finding of Cain and searching for Maureen, Constantin/Freeform can write this off as a darn good investment)